I have never been enough. Whatever I did was seen as not good enough. So I tried for quite some years to become, what I was not: Trying every diet to be skinny enough, working extra-hard to have success in life and to earn enough money and doing all to make my marriage work. I failed with all of it. I am divorced, living in a small apartment, because of my small income, and I´m really overweight. And no, there´s no reason to feel sorry for me. Instead, you may congratulate me. By becoming a total failure in the eyes of my family, I finally freed myself. Because the “not enough” is a family-issue, but it is no longer mine.
I am glad that I am finally divorced, my tiny apartment almost needs no time to clean it and most of my time I can spend for the things that really matter for me. I found that the root of all my failures in life had been that I tried to achieve things, that have never mirrored my own values. And I knew this for quite some years, but it´s not so easy to let go of a programming that is rooted so deeply and that almost everybody in this world seems to have. Everybody wants money, the big house, car, the good-looking mate and the size 0. Everybody, everybody, everybody. And I was a nobody if not fulfilling the collective dream.
A few, very small incidences have shown me lately an interesting thing: I am totally free and totally abundant. I owe nobody anything, not even an explanation for what I do or don´t do with my life.
Lately, someone explained to me that I am not successful enough, because I would “give away everything for free”. And a few days later I witnessed that someone who is for sure more successful than I am, said, that he will not answer a question fully, as he cannot “give away everything”. I was astonished. He said it to a community member, that already pays a fee. But it is content of a seminar, that costs much more, so he said he can not ” give away everything” and didn’t answer the question as good as he could have.
Don´t get me wrong. He can do what pleases him and seen with the eyes of “common sense” it seemed reasonable what he said. He had spoken his truth, but I realized that it is not my truth. So with some astonishment, I felt in this moment how abundant and free I am. No matter how much content I will share, it will never be “everything”, as inside of me is the key to the source itself. It will never be possible for me to “give away everything”. My toolbox
I also realized that I am free to life my life according to my own values. What is going to be another article. But I am absolutely free to give my content away if it pleases me, as I do not need clients for seminars. Don´t get me wrong. I will lovingly accept abundance in form of money or success if it comes to me. But I don´t need it. I am enough. Finally.